Love Is Blind Pt. 2

Honestly, I'm beginning to wonder why I even bother dating in the first place. It sure as hell can't be for the scintillating conversation ("I really only read magazines about cars and bikes, babe."), the fabulous gourmet cuisine ("You ever been to Darryl's? Oh, you're not, like, a vegetarian or something crazy like that are you?") or the hot action (cue awkward end-of-first-date-moment here). No, it's probably because, deep in my jaded and cynical heart, I'm an optimist. Hope springs eternal and all that. I keep hoping that this one will be The One.

Rewind to last night, when I'm on Date #3 with a guy two inches shorter and about 15 pounds lighter than me. We're talking a Mini Me with tattoos. Why am I still going anywhere with him? Because, darling, I do like hanging out with him... in the most platonic way imaginable. Plus I just can't think of a nice way to tell him that there are about as many sparks in this relationship as there are between a smushed cigarette and a wet book of matches. I'm hoping the fact that we've hung out multiple times and have yet to have any kind of physical contact other than that time I punched him on the arm and called him "Homeslice" is a major hint.

And, as is becoming the norm, when we got to the end of the night and he was dropping me off at home (after an evening spent watching the kind of film that you need about six pounds of weed to enjoy) I blurted out a lame-ass invitation to something that I'm doing this weekend and ran like hell into my house before he could so much as try for the lean-in. Honestly, he's too little... if we did make out, I'm almost positive that I would accidentally inhale him. It doesn't help that my most recent ex was 6'7" and a good 100 lbs heavier than me, and I have yet to cure myself of the splitscreen habit. You know, where you do a mental Entertainment Tonight-style splitscreen between the current suitor and someone from the past? Let's just say that sometimes the one on the right is better left as the question mark and silhouette.

And this, boys and girls, is why I'm still single.